Yes, I Believe

I've been going back through the music I used to listen to as a kid, and I've been asking myself some hard questions.  I remember spending hours in my room listening to encouraging songs, reading my Bible, and talking to God.  Back then, He was my best Friend.  I enjoyed spending time with people, and roller blading, and going on runs through the park, but there was nothing like "hanging out" with God.  One song in particular, "This Is Your Time," by Michael W. Smith really impacted me back in those days.  I listened to the song, again, today, and I found myself curled up on the couch weeping over the simplicity (and profoundness) of the message, and wondering how the busyness of day-to-day life stole that message from my heart along the way.
This past Sunday, I spent time through Skype with a dear friend whose doctors tell him he is dying of cancer and that, in their words, he has "moments left."  I made him laugh and heard him cry, and as we prayed together, we both knew that, in his case, the only way to give him even a chance is for him to let go of the secrets he keeps and the fears that are pressing on his heart and wearing his body out.  We know each conversation could be our last, but we also know God heals, and the only way to help him fight this battle is to begin to bring everything into the light.  I thought, again, about the words of the song: "Live in the sea.  Swim in the deep.  Embrace the mystery of all you can be.  This is your time.  This is your dance.  Live every moment.  Leave nothing to chance.  This is your time.  What if tomorrow....what if today...faced with the question (do you believe?), what would we say???? This is your time."  My friend has a beautiful family and a chance at life, but he needs to know every day more and more how much God loves him, and that he can let go and embrace all God is calling him to be.  His life is a beautiful song, and the pain and choices of the past only make each note more beautiful.  What if, somehow, denying God isn't only as simple as saying, "I don't believe," but skipping over His promises and forgetting to make a choice.  "I believe He loves me.  I believe He has forgiven me.  I believe He is enough, and I choose to live like I believe that."
When I turned off the computer, my phone rang and I spoke to another dear friend from miles away....bitter and broken over an unfaithful husband who not only broke her heart but the lives of the people he's called to lead as a missionary, father, and friend.  The battle in the natural has dragged on and the anger is high on both sides, and when I went to comfort her, longing to jump on a plane and be there for her,

I found the strangest words coming out of my mouth from somewhere deep in my heart.  Even stranger, I've found myself repeating those words all week in several different situations with people who are angry, and broken and confused; facing similar situations and fears:  What if this life doesn't matter as much as the next?  What if the battle isn't for fairness, or physical healing (although God heals), or deliverance from violence, and poverty, and the cruelty all around us (although God delivers, and gives us choices, and many times, shows us the way out of where we are)?  What if, what matters more, is what we do with this question?  Do I believe?  Do I believe, right now, that I'm not alone, and that Someone is walking with me, and that He'll stand up for me, and help me, and show me what to do?  And do I believe, inside of me, that just that, strangely, is enough?  How we answer that question may cost us everything in this life (choosing to let go in times where we can demand our rights; choosing to lay our lives down to help others even when it doesn't seem fair; choosing to go far from "home" to seek out those who need to know that they belong), but if we see things through God's eyes...through eternity...that same answer may give us everything we need.
I know I believe in God, but I find myself missing Him, today.  As I pray for people, and seek to help, do I lean too much in my own strength and forget that my best Friend is sitting right beside me?  Do I give counsel from my head and not my heart...that place deep inside me that says, "He's real.  He can make a difference"?  "I believe, and that belief is worth dying for."  I want to go back to living that way...to be afraid to deny Him....not just in the simplicity of never giving up on my faith, but in the complexity of choosing to live that faith each day.  There's a brokenness and a healing in letting go: in living each moment in the light of His love and being unafraid of rejection, or heartbreak, or losing what I most love.  If HE is what I most love, what can I lose?  He'll be there at each step; in every circumstance; giving me peace, and faith, and love.  NOTHING is greater than His Name.  So, if only in this blog, as a declaration to Heaven, I want to write, again, like I did when I was little...."Yes.  I believe."  And, somehow, that statement is everything, and too small, and just enough.  "Yes.  I.....BELIEVE."  Amen.